TABLE OF CONTENTS
In the age of dating and social media, constant posts warn of behaviours that signal impending doom for your romantic bliss. But how many of these are legitimate warnings and how many are false alarms triggered by unrealistic expectations and fear of commitment? It's worth examining what really constitutes a red flag, how relationships evolve in healthy ways, and why we may be prone to misinterpreting normal challenges as warning signs. The truth is, not every little annoyance or disagreement spells the end. With work and the right person by your side, you can build a partnership to last. But knowing the difference between real red flags and false alarms can help give your relationship the best chance to thrive.
UNDERSTANDING THE FLAGS: RED, BEIGE OR GREEN
When you start dating someone new, it's normal to scrutinize their behaviour for hints about the relationship's potential. But in today's world of social media oversharing, it's easy to misinterpret normal quirks as "red flags." So how can you tell the difference?
True red flags are behaviours that signal an unhealthy relationship. These include:
Lying or hiding important details about themselves or their life.
Controlling your activities, friendships, finances or appearance.
Physically harming or threatening you.
Chronic lack of trust, jealousy or snooping through your private belongings.
Unwillingness to compromise or blame you for all relationship problems.
Beige flags are traits that are annoying but not necessarily damaging. Things like:
Messiness or disorganization.
Clinginess or needing constant communication.
Obsession with social media or an unusual hobby.
Forgetfulness or lateness.
While frustrating, beige flags often reflect normal human quirks and flaws. They might be things you can tolerate or compromise on.
Look for green flags too, like:
Listening to you actively and validating your feelings.
Compromising when you disagree and finding mutually agreeable solutions.
Expressing affection and appreciating you openly.
Maintaining their own interests and friendships outside the relationship.
Handling anger, stress or difficulties in a constructive way.
The healthiest relationships have a balance of green and beige flags. But if you spot true red flags, pay attention - they signal that this relationship may not be right for you. You deserve to feel safe, respected and cared for.
AM I A RED FLAG?
Have you been labelled as a "red flag" in relationships? Don't worry, some of those warnings could be false alarms. Social media has made it easy to slap labels on people, but the truth is often far more nuanced.
Maybe you're just quirky or have some habits that annoy others. That doesn't mean you're destined to end up alone. The real red flags to watch out for are behaviours that cause harm, like:
Verbal or physical abuse. Yelling, insulting, hitting or shoving your partner are completely unacceptable.
Dishonesty and lack of trustworthiness. Constant lying, even about small things, destroys the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Controlling behaviour. Excessive jealousy, snooping through your partner's belongings or restricting who they spend time with are warning signs of potential abuse.
Lack of commitment to personal growth. If someone refuses to acknowledge their own faults or work on self-improvement, they'll have a hard time committing to a partner.
Don't be too quick to label yourself a "red flag" just because of a few imperfections or
past relationship struggles. The truth is, we all have room for growth. Focus on developing self-awareness, learning from your mistakes, and striving to become a better partner. With conscious effort, you absolutely can build healthy, long-term relationships.
The bottom line? Don't get caught up in unhelpful labels. Look within, commit to positive change, and make sure any warnings you see in potential partners point to real threats, not just petty annoyances or judgmental stereotypes. You deserve a caring mate, keep an open and discerning heart.
LEARNING TO TRUST YOURSELF - IDENTIFYING DEALBREAKERS THAT ARE RIGHT FOR YOU
Learning to trust yourself and identify the dealbreakers that really matter to you is key. It can be easy to get caught up in what social media or friends say you "should" want in a relationship. But the truth is different. What’s unacceptable for one couple could be perfectly normal for another.
The first step is to reflect on what you need to feel happy and fulfilled. Maybe constant communication, emotional intimacy, shared interests, independence, or affection are must-haves for you. Be brutally honest with yourself, even if a dealbreaker seems petty. Your needs are your needs.
-Look For Patterns
Don't ignore red flags just because you have strong feelings for someone. Look for patterns of behaviour over time. Some warning signs may be subtle at first but become more apparent once the "honeymoon phase" of a new relationship fades. Trust how this person's actions make you feel. If you frequently feel disrespected, insecure, or not good enough, that is your intuition telling you this may not be the right relationship for you.
The bottom line is that you deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you feel happy and at peace. Learn to listen to your inner voice and advocate for what you truly want. Adjust when you can, but don't settle for less than you deserve. The right partner for you is out there, but you have to know yourself first before you can find them.
HAVING OPEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT RED FLAGS IN RELATIONSHIPS
While social media and popular culture often portray "red flags" in relationships as immediate deal breakers and non-negotiables, the reality is more nuanced. Many concerns can be addressed through open communication and a willingness to understand each other.
-Talk About Your Concerns
The healthiest relationships are built on honesty and trust. If something your partner does worries, or upsets you, speak up compassionately about how their behavior makes you feel. Try using "I" statements, like "I felt anxious when you didn't call last night.” This approach is less accusatory and helps the other person understand your perspective.
Some red flags, like lack of communication or emotional unavailability, may come from past hurts or a fear of intimacy. Let your partner know you care about them and your relationship and want to build greater closeness and comfort. Compromise and make an effort to be more open and affectionate with each other. With time and work, these flags often become less threatening.
-Listen With An Open Mind
Your partner may also come to you with concerns about the relationship. Receive their feedback with an open and understanding attitude. Do not get defensive or deny their experience. Listen fully and reflect back what you heard to ensure you understand their feelings accurately. Be willing to acknowledge your own mistakes and make amends. Discuss how you can both do better at meeting each other's needs going forward.
-Seek Outside Support If Needed
Sometimes, seeking professional support is the best thing to do. For persistent or more serious issues, consider relationship counselling or therapy from the comfort of your home. Speaking to a professional counselor can help give you strategies for improving communication, setting healthy boundaries, and rebuilding trust. Do not hesitate to reach out for help from close friends or a domestic abuse helpline if you feel unsafe.
While no relationship is perfect, the ability and willingness to openly discuss red flags is a sign of a healthy partnership. With work, honesty, and commitment to mutual understanding, many warning signs lose their power to derail an otherwise good relationship. But never ignore signs of potential abuse, as your safety and well-being should be the top priority.
The health of your relationships depends on your ability to see your partner for who they really are, flaws and all, and decide if their imperfections are things you can accept or deal breakers you can't live with. Don't let the highlight reels of others make you doubt the good in your own relationship. While no relationship is perfect, the right one for you will feel fundamentally healthy, and supportive, and help you become your best self. If after reflection you determine your relationship is lacking, don’t hesitate to make the difficult yet necessary changes to find the love and happiness you deserve. You owe that to yourself!
Move over red and green flags, “beige flags” are shaping the Gen Z dating scene; what does the term mean? (2023, June 14). The Indian Express. https://indianexpress.com/article/lifestyle/feelings/beige-flag-dating-trend-instagram-8658240/
How to Decide What Your Deal Breakers Are | MeetMindful. (2014, September 15). MeetMindful. https://www.meetmindful.com/articles-dating-how-to-decide-what-your-deal-breakers-are/
How to Choose Your Dating Dealbreakers Wisely. (n.d.). Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-choose-your-dating-dealbreakers-wisely-5193072
Nast, C. (2022, January 26). Everyone Has Relationship Deal-Breakers. Here’s How to Identify Yours. https://www.self.com/story/relationship-deal-breakers
Gould, W. R. (2021, November 9). 10 Red Flags in Relationships. Verywell Mind https://www.verywellmind.com/10-red-flags-in-relationships-5194592
Eatough, E. (2022, February 1). 13 common red flags in a relationship to look out for. https://www.betterup.com/blog/red-flags-in-a-relationship